That Time of Night

Yep.  It's that time night.  The time when everyone in the house is quiet, I'm home from my activities, and my mind is running rampant.


It's that small portion of time that's all mine.  It belongs to me, and I love taking the time to appreciate it.  This is the time when I think of all the facets of my life at once.  They come together to form a single, short moment of clarity.

I can see clearly.

There are many, so many, beautiful instants in life.  Like today, when I drove with the windows down for the first time this year, and I could see the sun bursting through the clouds. I could see the golden warmth streaming through the rolling clouds, some of which looked remarkably like fairytale castles to me.  That was a beautiful moment when I was reminded of all the good in my life. I was reminded that there is so much sunshine exploding into my life.  Even the clouds, which we sometimes choose to see as a bad thing, they have their purpose, and they are beautiful in their own way.


Anyway, there are always precious moments throughout the day, but this has to be my favorite.


I realized that at this moment in my life, I am at a jumping off point. I am at the base of my life right now.  This is the first time in my life when I realized that I have NO IDEA what comes next.  I've always had at least a vague idea of what was going to happen next.  Now...nothing.

What's ahead for me?  What adventures will I lay claim to?

Have you ever thought of that?  The thought that I have life before me.  I mean life.  It's so exciting.  There will be times when my heart is truly broken.  There will be times when I will laugh so hard I will cry and there will be epiphany moments, when I realize what my life is really about.  Or what Christ's life was all about, or something.  I will be around people. I will make new friends. I will lose some. I will, D.V., get married. Who will be with me?  What will the relationships I have now be like in 10 years?  I don't know.  And I'm so excited to find out.


But at the same time its frightening, and leaving me apprehensive.  I'm trying to form a plan for next year, but nothing's working out the way I want it to.  I'm so nervous.


Today I heard a song, that hit home.  I heard a song that made me say, "duh!"  The line that got my attention was: " Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under?  You wonder, what if I'm overtaken, what if I never make it?  What if no one's there?  Will you hear my prayer?  When You take that first step into the unknown, you know that He won't let you go.  So what are you waiting for?"


God's not letting me go.  Even if everyone else is leaving me on my own, to make these next decisions, God is always there, leading me every step of the way.  Even if I don't know what's coming next, God is showing me to my door of opportunity.  And even if I'm not 100% sure, and I take a step, maybe even a wrong step, or I do something crazy, it's not as though God's will abandon me for that.  He's still keeping me safe, and I know He always will.


So tonight, in my moment of clarity, I am resting peacefully.  Knowing that God, my Savior is protecting me in His hand, and will be with me as I take these first steps into the unknown.  Praise God from whom ALL blessings, including this moment of clarity and peace, flow freely.

I don't care what people think about me! .....Right?

I've heard it all my life: "Don't worry about what other people think."

It's also something I've always struggled with.  I suppose it's a weakness of mine.  I take things to heart far deeper than I should.

A Focus Problem.

It's so hard for me to focus on what God thinks of me, versus what my friends, family and teachers think of me.  Even people I don't know!  If I'm out at the store, or wherever, and someone I don't even know looks at me sideways I feel awful.  It's all of a sudden my goal to get out of that place as quickly as possible.  And it's ridiculous!  Why should I care if that stranger browsing the shoe section doesn't like me outfit?  Or my purse or my face or whatever!

Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense but that doesn't change the way I feel.  There are also times when my friends or family will half jokingly make a remark about my appearance, or something I've done or made, and I play it off as a joke, too.  I'm not about to let those people know that what they said actually makes me feel terrible.  The thing is I've become an expert at reading too far into things.  When someone is just joking I always remind myself that there's a little truth to every joke.

It's a matter on the inside.

Where most people can brush it off, or laugh about it with their friend, I can only pretend to do those things.  I   laugh about it, but when I go home, I either do everything in my power to fix what they've mentioned, or if it's something I can't change I become self conscious about it for the rest of my life.

I criticize myself so harshly before anyone else ever does that when it happens, it's like being hit with a baseball bat.  When someone points out a flaw of mine that I've picked at and worked on and blown up to be bigger than it really is, then I immediately think that the other person is thinking of me as badly as I am.  And then, why would they want to be around me?

It's stupid, it really is.  And I need to get over it.  The older I get, the better the problem gets.  I'm now at a point where I don't care what people I don't know think of me.  They've got their own problems to deal with, and I'll never see them again, so who cares?  Also, when friends that aren't really close to me say things, or look at me funny, I don't care then, either.  My huge problem now is when my family and closest friends say things to me, it makes me feel awful.  I want them to love me as much as I love them.  I want them to think of me as fondly as I think them, and if my 'talents' seem stupid to them or not good enough, then it crushes me.

Now, I realized this week that I am completely limiting myself. I will never be able to do anything great or worthwhile if I'm only trying to please everyone else.  My focus needs to be on God, and God only.  He loves me, and He's given me talents and characteristics that can be used for Him.

I was made for more than this!

I have goals for myself.  Goals that I've never uttered to another person.  Goals that only The Lord knows I have.  I never talk about them because I don't want people to think that they're silly.  I don't speak of them because they seem so far off, and intangible.  But the thing is, if I'm worried about what the people around me think, then they ARE intangible.  They ARE impossible.  The only way I can achieve these things is by doing what the Lord wants me to do, and let Him and His will lead me.  Anything is possible with God.

Now His plans might not be what my plans are.  He might have different goals for me than I have for myself, but one thing is certain:  If I follow Christ, and let him work in me, then He will bless me, and He will allow me to do something that I never could have dreamed of.  Only the Great I Am knows what's best for me.  And as  I keep Him at the center of my focus He will do the best thing for me no matter what.  Even if it seems 'bad' to the world's standards.

I was made for a greater purpose.  I was made for better things than the petty woes of this world.  All God's people are.  So it's time for me to stand up for myself.  Not so much on the outside, I already do that, but on the inside.  It's time for me to say, "I will take your views into consideration, but you will never be the deciding factor."

I believe this is something that so many, many people struggle with.  And it's heart breaking because we are quieting our voices instead of raising them for Christ.  I will raise my voice, I will raise my standards, and I will do great things with the power of The Lord in me.